creepx666xshow: Blog

boys

creepx666xshow — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 04:26:31 +0000

Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 19)Consummating a business deal or a romantic relationship today spells success as propitious Jupiter trines your key planet, karmic Saturn. Instead of getting what you deserve now, you probably can do even better than that. But be careful about taking on too many responsibilities that can scatter your energy. Focus your intentions first, and then don't hold back.

i'm getting a job. i like someone. lots of people are telling me they want to work together. i think i might be taking on more than i can handle. school is already killing me. is it really lame to like someone you met via the internet? be honest. oh well, it'll never happen anyway. even though we're VERY similar but VERY different. i read too far into things.

i thought i was done talking about this but i'm not. i don't talk to anyone about it really and i just need to get it out of my head. this boy is soooo ugh i don't even know. the sad part is i can't even convince myself to im him. why? i have absalutely no self confidence. maybe like seven oz. if that. honestly i cannot phathem anyone being interested in me. even though for a short amount of time he seemed interested. i'm just scared. ugh what's wrong with me? i'm scared that he'll get to know me, hate me, and just never talk to me again. or worse keep talking to me but hate me and talk behind my back or something completely ridiculous like that because like i said, i have no confidence. i should get medicated. yep. that could be awesome! ya know i always thought i hid everything so well but recently i've been called out on it. am i depressed? do i honestly have any reason to be upset all the time? i don't. why i am i don't know. i'm not saying i'm depressed i'm saying i'm not always as happy as i should be..same thing? basically but who cares. i guess ignoring an issue until it just becomes a bigger one isn't the best way to deal with things. so maybe it could have been something, and maybe it could have been a good something. and maybe even once more it could have been a great something. he's an artist, so am i. we're both just a bit strange, and idk. i'm thinking too much. i'm trying so hard to get the balls to get to know him, but i'm always the friend. i can't take that anymore. for once, i want to have someone be attracted to me...i want to feel what that's like. i've never felt like that before and as well as things are going i don't think i ever will.

i don't want to go back

creepx666xshow — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 07:30:04 +0000

for the first time i really feel like all this actually happened for a reason. right now all i wanna do is punch you in the jaw and knock a few teeth out. of course that will all just be left for dreams though. i honestly don't think i could be more over you. i'm glad i found out the truth though. ya know, make out with me then go fuck your ex lady. or whatever she is. hope you two are happy together. i've got someone out there that's gonna treat me right. he'll probably be a better kisser too. oh and he'll be ten times cuter than you asshole. for real, i see why it all happened right now and i thank god that you're out of my life. i'm the terrible friend who said your girlfriend was ugly(and i did, i also told you she was a money hungry bitch who didn't deserve you, oh was i mistaken). you two deserve each other. i've got my eye on someone else and damn. i could stare at him all day(i could barely look you in the eye...it def never could have worked out). heres to hoping that goes somewhere. really really hoping it goes somewhere...i think i could actually like this guy...?

i'm done putting myself out there.

creepx666xshow — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 05:33:47 +0000

i've never done this before and i'm never doing it again. i told him everything i could bring myself to tell him. i told him i liked him, i told him how amazing he was. i told him how i'm always going to be here, and how much i just want him to be happy. and he stops talking to me. over a kiss. why does it matter so much?! yes, i'm hurt because i thought just maybe we could actually move onto the next level, but i miss him being around. i miss him being my friend more than a love interest. i seriously put my feelings out there, i told him everything, how mad i was at him, how much i know i want to hate him but can't, why i'm mad at him and i asked him questions i need to know the answers to. why is it so hard to just respond. i know you miss me, i find out everything you say. i really don't understand you. are you a liar now too?! you said it'll kill me just being friends...I'VE ALWAYS LIKED YOU! FOR OVER A YEAR YOU IDIOT AND I'M STILL ALIVE! granted, look how things ended up, but no that's not a reason. not good enough at least. friendships aren't easy, it's a relationship and they take work. i was there for you, FOR EVERYTHING. everything. can't you be here for me, while my heart is completely shattering because of you? it's the least you could do. be my friend again. i'm begging you i don't know who else i matter to so much. you said i was your best friend, you asked me to spend the rest of our lives together! you told me things you didn't ever tell anyone else. how do you just ignore me? i wasn't mean, i wasn't trying to make you feel bad. i want you to know how i feel right now because you're my friend and i'm not ready to give you up yet. i said really mean things, and i told you to leave me alone and how i never wanted to talk to you again. you know none of that was true. you know me, you're one of the few. i let you in and don't make me regret it. please don't make me regret it. i can't sleep, i barely eat anymore(i know, fat chick not eating?!?! crazy!), i can't think straight. nothing is working right since you left. i have no one to talk to about these things. i can't talk to my other friends about them, they don't understand and never know what to say because they think i'm looking for pitty, i'm looking for someone to cheer me up. to take my mind off of everything. i'm looking for you. no one can replace you. i can't bother you again, but i just wish you knew how wrong things feel without you. i'm so fucking alone...you know me, i know you. i need you back. don't you want me back too? i really am falling apart without you and i hate it. i never wanted this to happen. if i knew a kiss was gonna ruin everything we ever had, i'd take it back in a heart beat. there is nothing that is worth feeling this empty. i feel so translucent. i'm an open book. i'm trying so hard to hide it all, i need you back. i really am begging...god i miss you so much.

it's a shitty feeling when someone you care about acts like a jerk.

creepx666xshow — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 05:43:53 +0000

it's even worse when you can't hate him for it. add on top of that he doesn't talk to you anymore because of something your friend does that you told her to stop and she won't. you feel helpless. you feel worthless. you feel like i do right now. i'm lonely and it's because i'm an idiot. i shouldn't have thought anything of anything. look where hopeful thinking gets you, best friendless and heart broken. i know no one reads this, and i'm so ok with that. i don't want to tell people how i feel because then all they do is pitty you or talk shit on how emo you are. for a while i just wanted to wither up and die in a corner of my room. sometimes, i still feel like that. i miss him so much and i know i shouldn't. i'm told all the time. i was talking about some stuff with my friend and she points out i could have loved him. i'm not one to believe at all in the L word. i don't see it, and i doubt i'll ever feel it. what is it like anyway? does it feel like you can't go three days without talking to this person without feeling hopeless? when ever you hear his name you wanna scream and yell and cry and smile all at the same time. when you think about all the things he said to you in confidence and all the things he said to make you feel good are you supposed to wanna smile and never stop? but what about when he tells you he's back with his ex? when you think of those cute little words and all the right things he said do you just wanna cry. it's even worse when you can't. i'm physically unable to cry. i don't know why, i want to. i've never wanted to more in my life. i never felt this low before. the worst part is not only did i lose the boy i really like, maybe could have love, i lost a best friend. someone i could be me around and someone who always made me feel better, he always made me feel important. no one does that. not to say i don't love my friends, i do, but this was different. he made me feel cute, and pretty, and special. what a waste of time huh? '

when i close my eyes i don't want to replay this

creepx666xshow — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 05:54:41 +0000

laying down in the dark
music just shut off
bodies close
your hand rubbing my back
eyes meeting in the blinking light
i can feel your heartbeat
you can hear me breathe
i tug on your shirt
you run your hand through my hair
you sigh
and my heart skips a beat