poisonbamagirl: Blog

My Daddy Passed Away Today

poisonbamagirl — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 07:21:57 +0000

This morning my daddy woke my kids up and got them dressed for school. Most of the time I do this but he didn't wake me up. He took them to school then picked up his friend JD to go drink coffee with their buddies like they do nearly every morning. On the way back out of the coffee shop he stated that he was having trouble breathing and he needed to call an ambulance. Before they could get there, he laid his head on JD and said "Jake, I'm gone." closed his eyes then said "Lord help me." and he was gone. I don't know what I feel or even what I am supposed to feel... just emptiness. Anyway, I will let everyone know about the funeral and everything later.

Does Anyone Know How I Feel?!?

poisonbamagirl — Sun, 09 Sep 2007 00:02:22 +0000

Sometimes I wonder if anyone understands me or my life. I have an aching that never fades. It comes from deep within my soul. Sometimes the pain rages like a wildfire rampantly burning away any happiness I may experience. My entire life has been filled with tears, hurtful words, self contempt and self loathing, mental abuse and mistakes. I honestly do not remember a time of true happiness. I know there were times of excitement, times of laughter, and great friendships but through it all in the back of my mind I was just waiting for the next bad thing. Everyday since I was 12 years old, I have had to hear how worthless I am... how fat I am.... how stupid I am... and what I mistake I was ... I have even been called "bitch", "whore", "slut"... and on and on. How can a father (yes a father) feel that way about his child??? How did my kids father just abandon them and me?!? What in life did I do to deserve such a bleak existence??? I sometimes pray that I wont live to see another day of it... because the mental effects the physical and I feel sick and tired and just as if I could have a nervous breakdown. Since my divorce I have had to live with my parents so I hear it even more often. But at least I am no longer in a loveless marriage full of lies and deceit (and yes even more mental abuse... imagine that!). Funny thing is, my dad nearly died back in Jan and I lived for right at 2 months in that hospital with him. I slept in waiting rooms and when I was allowed in hospital rooms. I cried and I prayed for him to pull through. And I just knew that it was a turning point for us, and it was. I went from being stuck in a prison to living in absolute HELL!! He is home now and getting stronger and as terrible as it may be sometimes I wonder why I asked God to keep him here. Sometimes I just want to be free of it all. I have the responsibitly of this entire household on me... and still I am beaten down daily. Well, almost hourly. I can't even be myself here. I really believe that only a few ppl know who I am at all and there is noway they know all of me... that is something that I have yet to discover. I will though. One day I will be out of here and I will make a life for myself and for my children. THEY WILL NOT LEAD THE LIFE THAT I HAVE LED!!!

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 62

poisonbamagirl — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 05:52:55 +0000

       From The Darkness Shines A Light
                             Chapter 62

                                The Finale

The song selected for the first half of this chapter is "I Will Remember You" by Sarah McLachlan

The song selected for the second half of this chapter is "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down

From The Darkness Shines A Light

Chapter 62

Everyone was gathered at the church for the funeral. Sobs were heard throughout. Shelley was nearly unconsolable as was Vil. The preacher gave a beautiful simple service. There were pictures of Keri and her friends displayed all around which just made the pain of losing her that much more evident. At the end of the service a tape was played across a big screen in the front of the room.

Much to everyones surprise it was Keri... apparently she had made a video saying her goodbyes when she realized that she was dying. She had her long dark hair flowing down around her, she was wearing some makeup to hide just how sick she had been, but the dark circles and paleness were obvious.

*Keri*

*smiling weakly* "Hello everyone, well if you're watching this I guess that means I'm no longer with you. When I heard that I only had a short time to live I decided to make this video. No one wanted to hear my sad goodbyes while I was still alive I know... you all just wanted to cherish the time we had left. But, there are things that I want heard.

First, Shell-Belle, I know that this isn't easy for you. *tears roll down her cheeks* But don't cry for me. I was so blessed big sis... remember I had you my whole life to take care of me. You told me once that I was your strength, no Shell you were always the crutch that I leaned on.

Leni, baby girl, you were the best friend that I could have ever asked for... your smile lit up my heart everyday.

Lisa, you never fail to amaze me... just your laugh brought a smile to my face.

Amanda, I love your sassiness, never lose your wonderful sense of humor.

Mary and Christina, you too stood by me through thick and thin and that means more to me than you will ever know.

Bam, you were a very big part of my life. I loved you very much... and I can say with confidence that I actually carried alot of that love with me to the grave. You were very special and dear to my heart.

And now the hard part...

Ville, my love, my hero, my saviour... *crying hard* I never wanted to leave you. You saw something inside of me that I kept hidden from everyone... you touched the deep dark center of my heart. You Vil, were the light in my world of darkness. You came in and rescued me from myself. You gave me the greatest gift I could have ever asked for... my sweet little Brooklyn Jeanai. You were my greatest love.

And now my baby girl...

Hey Brooklyn sweetheart, I'm your mother. I want you to keep this with you always so that you never forget me and how much I love you.

I hope that you won't be angry with me for leaving. It wasn't my choice. I wish I were there with you and your daddy, but I had to go to Heaven. I don't yet know the reason... but there is a time and a reason for everything. I hope that with time you and your dad will come to understand. I want you to know that your daddy is a wonderful man and he is going to need you now... so be good to him... respect him growing up. He will always be there to take care of you... that I can promise. Well, baby, mommy has to be going now. I have to be with your brother Dailyn. Just know that I love you... you were my miracle. Keep me in your heart always... you will be in mine...

Bye you guys... I love you all so so very much. I carry you all with me where ever I go... even to the Heavens above. Don't worry I'm not really gone, I will be watching over each and everyone of you... and I will drop in from time to time to check on you. Oh and when you hear the wind whistle through the limbs of the willow tree, it will be me. Close your eyes and you just might feel my hand upon your face. Remember me and love eachother. I'll be waiting for you on the other side.

*nearly two years later*

Ville lays flowers upon her grave beneath the willow tree.

*Ville* "Well you've been gone for two years now and I still sometimes wake up in the morning and hear your laugh or smell your skin and for a mere second I think it was all just a bad dream but my bed is cold and empty. Brooklyn is getting so big and she is so smart Keri, she is so damn smart. I just wish you were here to see her. Bam and Shelley are here with me. They said for me to tell you "Hi" it's still too hard for Shelley to try talking to you. You'll never guess what's happened while you've been away though. They got married... Shelley and Bam, they found comfort in one another and got married. Bam has been a big help to me. He is a good guy and truely my best friend. Brooklyn is here too she wants to try talking to you... she understands that she can't hear you but that you are here in spirit."

*Brooklyn* "Hi mommy, I watched a tape today with you on it. You were very pretty. Daddy says that I look alot like you, that means I'm pretty too... that makes me happy. I miss you mommy and I wish you were here, but I do like you said mommy... I carry you right here *pointing to her chest* in my heart."

A gentle breeze sweeps in around them and they know that Keri is with them.

Brooklyn lays a picture of her, Keri, and Ville on the grave along with a picture she's drawn.

*Brooklyn* "Happy Birthday in Heaven mommy"

She takes hold of one of Ville's hands and then grabs one of Bams also as they walk away out through the field. They raise her up and swing her ever so often.

*Brooklyn* "Daddy, uncle Bam, tell me the story."

*Bam* "And what story might that be?"

*Brooklyn* "You know...? The greatest love story ever told of course... the one about my mommy."

*Bam* "Oh that story..."

*Ville* "Well... once upon a time an angel walked the streets of Helsinki... I thought I was sent to save her. But she was sent to save me... Do you know who that angel was my love?..."

THE END

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 61

poisonbamagirl — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 05:47:01 +0000

From The Darkness Shines A Light

Chapter 61

The next day Keri awoke to a breezy yet sunny morning. After talking to Vil, he packed a picnic basket and got little Brooklyn dressed. They went to the stone filled creek at the end of their land to play with their daughter and swing her on the tire swing hanging on Keri's beloved weeping willow tree. She admired it's elegance and sad beauty.

After eating with the family and swinging Brooklyn for awhile Keri began to feel very weak and tired. Ville couldn't help but to take notice.

*Ville* "Baby, sweetheart... are you alright?"

*Keri* "Yes Vil, I'm fine... just a bit tired. I think I'll sit here under the shade and watch you play with our beautiful girl."

He kisses her forehead and helps her sit down. She props her back against the trunk. Closing her eyes for a moment she takes in a deep breathe... the air is so fresh and sweet. Slowly opening her eyes again, she smiles at the heart warming scene before her. Little Brooklyn is held out from her daddy's loving arms... protected by his strong gentle hands as he spins her round and round in circles. Her daughters sweet innocent giggles make her cry through her own laughter. Tilting her head back, she gazes up through the hanging branches at the clear blue sky above. Memories flood her mind.

She can see her and Shelley as children running down the stairs on Christmas morning. She remembers playing ring-around-the-rosey and falling down in their white Sun dresses in their grandmothers field of wildflowers. She heard her mothers sweet voice singing that same old lullaby. Villes smile and first words also played across her mind. That first kiss with Bam and their painful yet oh-so meaningful relationship... and the p.h.a.t. pack, those girls meant the world to her. They were her strength... her support system... Her soul sisters, connected by the heart and their UNDYING love for one another. She felt in her heart what she had the first time that she made love to Ville knowing that she would never love another. And tears rolled down her face as she saw Brooklyn's birth and the tears of joy in which Ville had cried that day. She was so proud of that precious little darling. Her life's purpose was served when Brooklyn was brought into the world. Giving Vil a gift like that meant more to her than anyone would ever know. Contentment filled her soul and she knew her time here was over.

As Ville's and Brooklyn Jeanai's voices began to stiffle and fade, Keri decided to give up her agognizing fight. Still looking towards the Heaven's she began to mumble...

"I'm ready to go now. I'm tired, I'm so tired. I've lived my life and I've been blessed. I can leave in peace... take me now Lord... take me now."

Her eyes gently close as the light within slowly fades. A soft wind swoops down, carrying her spirit away on a breeze... first rustling through the trees... the air sweeps across Ville's face and in the instance he knew that his love was gone.

NOT THE LAST CHAPTER

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 60

poisonbamagirl — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 05:44:19 +0000

        From The Darkness Shines A Light
                             Chapter 60*

The song selected for this chapter is "Broken" by Seether

From The Darkness Shines A Light

Chapter 60

Bam arrived at the house and carried Keri to the door. He rang the door bell and Ville quickly answered in complete dismay.

*Ville* "What in the hell is she doing here?? Why isn't she at the hospital"" Bam what the hell did you do??"

*Bam* "I'm sorry Vil, I just did what she asked... this is what she wanted... you and her baby. That's all she has ever really wanted, a family."

Ville led him to the bedroom to lay her down.

*Keri* *now lying strengthless in bed* *not able to speak above a whisper* "Vil, please don't be mad at Bam. He just wants me to die happy. He knows how much I love you and Brooklyn. I just wanted to be here with you. I wouldn't have lasted another night in that hospital. Don't make me go back please don't make me."

*Ville* *hiding the tears whelling in his eyes* "Ok my love, you win. I won't make you go back. I can take care of you right here."

He leans over and kisses her forehead.

*Ville* "Now you just rest, I am going to go talk to Bam for a moment."

*Keri* "Ok but I want to see him first..."

Bam walks over to the bed... "Bam, thank you, for today... for loving me... for everything. You will be in my heart always. Despite it all you are a good man."

She kisses his hand and says "Goodbye Bammie-Boy."

The pain in his heart was nearly unbareable. He felt such regret from the past, but knew that she had forgiven him though he would never completely forgive himself.

Bam and Ville stepped out and went into the library.

*Ville* "Bam what the hell happened?? Why did you bring her here?? She can't get better here."

*Bam* "Vil I know how much you love her. I know how badly you want to believe that this will just go away but it won't. She's dying man and there is nothing any of us can do about it. She doesn't want to die in that cold lonely hospital bed. Just give her what she wants... grant her this... her dying wish, to spend her last days with the people she loves the most."

*Ville* *breaking down* "God-damnit!! Bam, this is not right!!! I am not ready to let her go!! There is no God... I am convinced. There can't be cause what kind of God kills his angels?? But you know what by some chance there is... Fuck Him!!! *looking up* You here that damn it... fuck you!!!"

He picks up a glass ashtray and throws it against the wall busting it into pieces. Then holds onto one of the bookcases to hold his drained body up while the tears flood his face like tiny rivers... slow and steady flowing.

Bam walks over to him and puts his hand on his shoulder. Ville turns around quickly and hugs his long missed dear friend tightly as the comfort one another.

*meanwhile in Keri's bedroom*

The door opens slightly and a little head pops in.... "Mo-ma" When little Brooklyn Jeanai sees her mother lying in bed she scurries over to her and climbs up on the bed.... "Mo-ma, sick?"

*Keri* *wiping tears away quickly* "Yes, baby... mommy's very sick, but I'm here with you now."

*Brooklyn* "Here... me?"

*Keri* "Yes baby I am here with you... and you know where you are??"

She takes Brooklyn's chubby little hand and places is to her chest.

"Right here... you are in mommy's heart."

*Brooklyn* "Mo-ma heart?"

*Keri* "Yep, right here in mommy's heart always."

*Brooklyn* "Mo-ma in Brookins heart"

Keri wrapped her arms around her darling baby girl and kissed her softly on the cheek.

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 59

poisonbamagirl — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 05:41:24 +0000

         From The Darkness Shines A Light
                                Chapter 59

The song selected for this chapter is "Free Bird" by Lynard Skynard

From The Darkness Shines A Light

Chapter 59

The next day Keri awoke and sleepily looked over to see a familiar face. He was silently weeping... fighting back the tears.

*Keri* *weakly* "Well, well, well... do my eyes deceive me?? Is that handsome man in my room really The Mr. Bam Margera? *giggles low*"

*Bam* "Yeah, it's me... Dunn told me what's going on... I had to come see you, I'm sorry, I had to. I talked to Ville though... he knows that I'm here."

*Keri* "It's ok Bam, it's so good to see you. It has been so long."

*Bam* *tears roll down each side of his face* "Yes it has... I've missed you so much. I've missed Ville too, he was my best friend you know. Damn Keri, I feel like shit! Like pure fucking shit!"

*Keri* "Oh Bam, no... don't do that... don't feel that way. I forgave you along time ago... and I hope that you have forgiven me also."

*Bam* "Me forgive you... for what?!? You did nothing wrong. I turned my back on you... and Ville was there to pick up the pieces of your shattered life time and again. It was my fault... we just weren't ever meant to be."

*Keri* "No Bam, don't think that even for a second. It was meant to be for us... then at that time we were meant to be. For whatever reason we needed eachother back then. I loved you Bam, and honestly I love you still, not in the same way but I guess I will love you

til my dying day which seems to be coming sooner than expected *she laughs slightly*.

*Bam* "Damn it Keri, it isn't funny!!! That's not something to joke about!!"

*Keri* *bursting into tears* "I know it isn't!! It just hurts to think about it... I'm scared I am so scared Bam. Not of dying but of losing everyone that I love. Mostly I'm afraid of everyone moving on without me. I don't want Ville to forget about me. And my baby, Oh God Bam, my sweet little Brooklyn will never know how much her mommy loved her. I won't be there when she needs me. I will miss everything... her first date, her first real boyfriend, her first period, her first real kiss, I won't there to mend her first broken heart and dry the heartfelt tears. I will miss years of kissing her bruised knees and boo-boos. I won't be there when she walks down the aisle with the man of her dreams. And one day Ville will fall in love again and I will be just a vague memory. I will be replaced as his love and her mommy. God... Damn it!! *punching her bed, yelling, and crying very hysterically* Why?!?!? I don't understand why!! I don't want to lose them!!! I don't want to be forgotten!!"

Bam walks over and sits on the bed beside her and hugs her tightly letting her cry into his chest until she had calmed.

*Bam* "It's ok Keri. It's ok."

After a few minutes Keri pulled away from Bam and dried her tears.

*Keri* "Bam will you do something for me??"

*Bam* "You name it"

*Keri* "Take me home... Ville wants me to stay here, he thinks that they can help, he thinks that I will get better, but I know the truth. I don't want to spend my last days locked up in a cold sterile hospital room confined to this damn bed. I want to be with my family... I want to be with Ville and Brooklyn Jeanai. Vil can't bring himself to take me out of here and "just let me give up and die" but nothing will stop it when it's my time, it's my time. At least you can help make it easier on me. If you take me home Ville won't make me leave."

*Bam* "Are you sure that's what you want??"

*Keri* "Yes Bam, please, if you have ever loved me please do this for me."

*Bam* "Ok."

He stands up and wraps her in a blanket then picks her up in his arms as she lays her weak head on his shoulder. He pulls the IV from her arm and removes the oxygen mask from her face. A nurse sees him carrying her through the hall... "And just what do you think you are doing?"

*Bam* "What does it look like I'm doing?? I'm taking her home to her family. I won't let her die here in this hell hole."

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 58

poisonbamagirl — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 05:38:02 +0000

        From The Darkness Shines A Light
                             Chapter 58

The song selected for this chapter is Satisfied Mind by Jeff Buckley

From The Darkness Shines A Light

Chapter 58

Keri had spent several days in the hospital. Her friends visited everyday. Ville was severely sleep deprived, spending every waking moment with his love. Sleep depervation, it seemed was not the only thing that he suffered from... he was also in deep denial. He just couldn't bring himself to accept the fact that she was slowly slipping away.

Ville sat at the side of Keri's bed while Shelley stood on the other side holding her hand.

*Keri* *looking up at Shelley and smiling* "Shell-Belle, I want you to do something for me."

*Shelley* "Yes baby, what is it... anything??"

*Keri* "I want you to help Ville look after Brooklyn when I'm gone."

*Shelley* *tears in her eyes* "Oh baby, don't you even worry about that right now... there is no need to talk about such things."

*Keri* *forcefully* "Yes there is!! Why does everyone want to pretend with me. I am going to die this time. It is going to happen. I know it and so do all of you. YOU just don't want to accept it, but I can feel it... I feel my spirit slipping further and further away. I try to hold on desperately but one day I will just be too damn tired to fight it. *holding tightly to Shelley's hands* Now Shell, there is no one that I trust to take the place as mommy to my sweet baby other than you. You have taken care of me through all of my highs and lows... and I want you to do the same for her, please... promise me."

*Shelley* *tears dripping from her face* "Ok hunny, I promise."

*Keri* "And stay close to Leni, Lisa, Amanda, Mary and Christina too... we are all like a family... they are my sisters at heart too you know?"

Ville stood up quickly with an aggrivated tone.

*Ville* "Shut up!! Just shut up!!! You will be fine... you will. I am going to take care of you... we are going to get you well!! You hear me?!?!? Fine, you're going to be FINE!!!"

He walks over to the window and slams his hands on the window seal, crying and trying desperately to catch his breath.

*Keri* "Shelley, can I have a minute alone with Vil please??"

Shelley simply shakes her head and wipes away a tear as she leaves the room. Keri pats the bed signaling for him to come sit with her. He slowly walks over and sits on the bed with his head looking down. As she touched his hand gently he felt it pierce his heart and a tear fell from his eye as he closed them.

*Keri* "Ville, listen to me. I know that this is hard for you, but baby it is hard for me too. Just try to be thankful for the memories that we've shared. Don't grieve for me, be happy for all of the things that I have been blessed with in life..."

*Ville* "Damn it Keri... I can't, I can't do that!! Call me selfish but I don't want to think of the past... I want to think of the future with YOU. I'm not ready to let you go!"

*Keri* *crying softly* "I don't want to leave you either, and God do you honestly think that I want to leave my daughter... hell no I don't. I just don't really know what lies ahead and if there is a God then I don't need a reason to be angry with him. I don't want to die with pain and resentment in my heart. I want to go peacefully at terms with it... having fulfillment in life and no regrets."

Ville pulls his legs up on the bed and lays beside her... holding her tightly. As she too wraps her arms around him, they weep silently together.

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 57

poisonbamagirl — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 05:33:27 +0000

The song selected for this chapter by Lisa is "Slipped Away" by Avril Lavigne

                                        The Darkness Shines A Light

Chapter 57

Keri felt a bit parched after their love making session and snuck up out of bed as to not awaken a sleeping Ville. She walked over to the small table and reached for the glass. As she raised it to her mouth, she suddenly felt very faint and fell to the ground... breaking the glass and the wine bottle. Ville jumped up startled to find her lying on the ground. He ran over and picked her up. He laid her on the cot and tried to wake her, but couldn't. He used his cell phone to call an ambulance and Shelley. The ambulance came and rushed them to the hospital that had seemed to claim so much of Keri's life.

After examining Keri the doctor came out with a serious look on his face to deliver the bad news.

*Vil* *Standing to his feet* "What is it doctor? What's wrong with my wife now?? Is it the cancer?? Is it back??"

*doctor* "I'm afraid so. And it's spread rapidly throughout her body. Seems we caught it too late this time. There is nothing we can do now other than to make her comfortable in these last days. I'm sorry son."

Ville covers his eyes with the balls of his fists...

*Vil* *weeping loudly* "No... not her. Not my Keri... please no... not her... I can't!!! I can't lose her.. no!!!"

Shelley falls to the floor sobbing hysterically...

*Shelley* "My baby sister, she's my baby sister. How will I live without her?"

Leni, Amanda, Lisa, Mary, and Christina sit in their chairs crying uncontrollably also. Keri was a dear friend to them all.

Leni jumps up...

*Leni* *As she walks out the door* "I have to leave... I can't do this. I can't handle this!! I need air, I can't breathe. I have to go I just have to."

From The Darkness Shines A light Chapter 56

poisonbamagirl — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 02:26:59 +0000

From The Darkness Shines A Light
Chapter 56

The song selected for this chapter by Lisa is "No Ordinary Love" by The Deftones

The Darkness Shines A Light

Chapter 56

A few more months had passed and Keri still seemed to be feeling fine. Little Brooklyn had began speaking... only a few words "mo-ma", "dah-dah-dah" and "I love". She had also began walking... slowly at first but now practically scurring through the house all of the time. Keri was so very grateful for this time that she had been given with her family.

It was now Keri's and Ville's anniversary and he had plans for her. He first surprised her with a bouquet of tropical wild flowers. He then took her out to the beach where there was a sort of straw hut set up. lit with tikki torches. Inside were two glasses of wine, chocolate covered strawberries, whipped cream and a small wooden cot. Keri cried at the site of what her husband had taken the time to do. She knew that he already had his hands full. They spent most of the night dancing, talking, and laughing with one another. They talked of the future for the first time in over a year.

After a while they lye down on the cot and begin feeding eachother strawberries. Keri giggling smears whipped cream across Ville's cheek and licks it off. He gets on top of her and pins her arms down with his legs and begins tickling her. She laughs uncontrollably as she screams "ahhh, stop, stooopp. Ah hah ... Vil stop please. I'll pee my pants if you don't stop. Woo woo, I can't handle it."

Watching her laugh and smile he is overcome by his love for her. He stops and lays down on her, wrapping her arms around his neck... he kisses her passionately.

*Vil* "You know how much I love you don't you?"

*Keri* "Yes baby, I know how much you love me and Brooklyn. And we love you too."

She places her hand in his hair and pulls him down to her once again... kissing his lips sweetly.

They embrace one another, lost in the heat and passion they make love to eachother for the first time in what seemed to be forever. Somehow, this time seemed to mean even more than the first time.

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 55

poisonbamagirl — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 02:23:49 +0000

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 55

From The Darkness Shines A Light

Chapter 55

Amanda and Linde had finally gotten married in a very beautiful garden setting with only their family and closest friends in attendance. Leni and Burton were now expecting their first AND second bundles of joy... yes, TWINS!!! Mary and Dunn had gone crazy ... flown off to Las Vegas... and gotten married by Elvis or at least someone dressed like him. Christina and Gas were living their happy little married life as was Mige and Lisa. Little Reese over his caulic by now... in fact everyone was gathered for his first birthday party.

Keri and Ville were there in great spirits. Brooklyn Jeanai was attached to Keri's hip... the two were inseperable. After such a rough battle with cancer Keri held onto every moment... never letting one pass her by. She sat down at a picnic table in the park where the party was being held and bounced the sweet little girl on her lap. Brooklyn giggled wildly as her dark brown curls bounced and her big green eyes sparkled. She was the perfect blend of her mother and her father.

Finally Keri sat Brooklyn down in the sand box with Reese and began talking with her friends.

*Lisa* "Oh my goodness, Keri, she is getting so big. She's precious."

*Shelley* "Of course she's precious... she takes after her aunt Shelley."

*Keri* *laughing throws a chip from the bowl on the table at her* "Yeah you wish Shelley... our little Brooklyn is prettier than either of us have ever thought of being."

*Shelley* "Hey!! Speak for yourself..."

*Leni* "So how are you?? Is everything still ok??"

*Keri* "Yes, I'm fine for now, as far as I know."

*Leni* "Oh good good... "

*Amanda* "Yeah don't worry mean ol' women like Keri don't die... she will be here forever."

*Keri* "Hey, I resent that!! Wait... no I don't I know I'm a *whispering so the kids can't hear* bitch and proud of it"

They all laugh. The day goes on as the women talk and play with kids and the men drink their beer and bullshit. There was icecream and cake, balloons, and candy. It was wonderful for everyone, another day another memory.

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 54

poisonbamagirl — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 02:19:28 +0000

         From The Darkness Shines A Light
                               Chapter 54*

From The Darkness Shines A Light

Chapter 54

After a few days Keri and the baby returned home. Ville had his hands full, but all of their friends helped out as much as possible. Keri had begun kemo treatments twice a week. Shelley took care of Brooklyn Jeanai on those days while Ville tended to a very weak very sick Keri. The kemo took alot out of her physically and mentally. She vomited uncontrollable after each treatment and couldn't stand on her own. At night, away from her, while rocking Brooklyn to sleep Vil would weep. He weeped for Keri and the pain that he saw she was going through, he weeped for his daughter who quite possibly may never get to know how much her mother truely loved her, and he cried for himself for he couldn't bare to think of life without his beloved wife.

After, the kemo was over the doctors ran the tests over to determine if the kemo had worked or not. Much to everyone's relief it had and Keri was now in what is called remission. There is always a chance that it may return but for now, she knew that every second counts. And she cherished it every moment. At least she wouldn't miss all of Brooklyn's firsts. She would hear her first words and see her first steps. It was a miracle in her eyes.

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 53

poisonbamagirl — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 02:14:29 +0000

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 53

From The Darkness Shines A Light

Chapter 53

Keri had been taking care of herself... eating healthy, visiting the doctor regularly, and taking vitamins to help keep her strength up. She was also receiving weekly steroid injections through the navel to help in the baby's lung development.

Her eyes had lost their shine and her face was sunken in. Deep dark circles were evident under her eyes and her lips were no longer plump and rosey, they were now pale, crusted, and cracking. Having made it to the 9 month mark only a week away from her due date, the lukemia was indeed taking it's toll on her body. Deciding to lay down and rest, she began to feel cramping in her lower abdomen, but was sure that it was probably just Braxton_Hicks contractions (false labor). She closed her eyes and breathed through the slight pain eventually falling off to sleep. Suddenly, she was awaken by an aweful pain. It was the worst cramp she had ever felt in her life... as if someone were ringing her insides out like a towel. As she closed her eyes tightly and tried to breathe, water rushed around her, on her back, and up her belly. Then the pain was gone. Surprised yet aware of what was happening Keri yells for Ville. He runs in frightened.

*Vil* "What?!? What is it?? What happened??"

He looks frantically around the room... this makes her giggle.

*Keri* "I think my water just broke."

*Vil* "Huh?!? What?!? Why would you think that??"

*Keri* "Umm, well because I had a terrible pain and now there is water all over me."

He walks over to her and feels of her gown...

*Vil* "Oh bloody hell, we have to get you to the hospital... your bag?? Where's your bag?? The phone list... where did I put the phone list??"

Running around hysterically in circles, Ville gathered everything needed fo rthe hospital stay. He helped to change Keri into dry comfortable clothes. He then picked her up cradling her and carries her out the door.

*At the hospital*

Ville had called everyone on the phone list and all of the ones closest to the two of them were in the waiting room hoping for the best.

Ville was in the delivery room with Keri. They had given her an epidural and placed an IV in her hand. After 6 hours she had finally dialated to 10 and had now been pushing for nearly 2 1/2 hours. The baby's head was stuck on Keri's pelvic bone.

*doctor* "Ok Keri, push!"

She squeezed Vil's hand and bared down as he held her leg up toward her chest.

*Vil* "1-2-3- and breathe"

*doctor* "Ok Keri, it's been 2 and a half hours if you can't get this baby out we will be forced to use forceps and you don't want that do you??"

*Keri* "No."

*doctor* "OK here we go again... now push... push push push...!!"

*Vil* "1-2-3 and breathe"

*Keri* *crying and worn out* "Baby, I can't I can't do it. I'm tired."

*Vil* *Taking a wet rag and rubbing her forehead* "Yes you can Keri... you can do it. You've made it this far."

*doctor* "Ok bare down hard this time... as hard as you can. And push!"

*Vil* "1-2... the head!! Baby, I can see the head!!"

*doctor* "breathe"

*Keri* "Ville, baby... I can't do it... I'm just too tired..."

*doctor* "You can do it... you are almost there. Now GO!! Push....!"

*Vil* "Push baby, push!! That's it, you can do it baby!! I see the dark hair. Our baby that we've waited so long for is almost here."

*doctor* "Quick breathe and push again... push push push."

Keri feels a strange sort of relief

*doctor* "One more time"

and another small feeling of relief.

*Vil* "Oh my God... sweetheart!! It's a girl... a beautiful, fat, baby girl."

A cry echoes over the room as the doctor wraps the baby in a blanket and lays her on her mother's chest.

The moment that Keri saw her, she knew that she had just served her purpose in life. She was meant to have this precious baby girl. For a moment life was seemed perfect. She put her pinky finger in the baby's hand and she squeezed as all new borns do. Keri raised her little fist up and kissed it lightly. Then wiped away her own tears.

*doctor* "So do you know what you are going to name this beautiful little girl??"

*Keri* "Yes we do..." *she looks at Ville and smiles*

*Vil* "Her name is Brooklyn Jeanai (pronounced Juh-nay) Valo after her grandmother (Keri's mom)."

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 52

poisonbamagirl — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 02:09:32 +0000

          From The Darkness Shines A Light
                              Chapter 52

From The Darkness Shines A Light

Chapter 52

Keri knew she had to tell all of the friends that she loved so very much that she may be dying. It scared her for them. She knew that they loved her just as dearly as she loved them. Realizing that it would be much to hard to tell them seperately and go through such a disheartening experience so many times, she planned a meeting at her and Ville's home. She invited Leni, Shelley *who had taken up residence in their previous apartment*, Amanda, Lisa, Mary, and Christina. As they arrived Keri asked them one by one to find a seat in the living room. After everyone had arrived, Keri walked into the room and took a deep breath preparing for the worst.

She sat in her favorite chair and spoke timidly looking to the floor often.

*Keri* "I know that you are all probably wondering why I asked you all to come here. The truth is that I love you all very much and I am going to need you all very much in the coming months."

Tears once again flood from her eyes.

*Shelley* "Oh God, hunny. What is it? Is it the baby?"

Keri shakes her head no.

*Keri* "Well, it seems that I may be dying..."

A loud gasp is heard throughout the room.

*Keri* "I have lukemia."

*Leni* "No, no you can't!! You just can't."

*Shelley* "No!! Not after everything. You have to be ok... you just have to be. You are a mother and a wife... and my sister... I need you."

*Keri* *still weeping forces a slight grin* "Aaaww come on now Shell-Belle, just face it, you're the strong one... I've always needed you... you have never really needed me."

Kneeling down in front of Keri...

*Shelley* "Little sister don't you know by now that YOU are my strength??"

She then hugs her sister tightly, as the other girls walk over and join in, wrapping their arms around eachother in support.

*Lisa* "We all need you Keri... we love you."

*Amanda* "Yeah, and we are going to be here to take care of you whether you like it or not."

*Mary and Christina* "Damn right!"

The girls softly laugh through their tears.

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 51

poisonbamagirl — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 01:44:40 +0000

        The song selected for this chapter is "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol

From The Darkness Shines A Light

Chapter 51

The house was empty when Keri arrived home. Ville was still gone to band rehearsal. She went into the half finished nursery and took the baby's first teddy bear from the crib. Walking back into the living room streams began flowing from her eyes. After reaching the couch, she sat down curling her legs up next to her. She hugged the little bear next to her chest... thinking about her life, Vil, and the baby, she began to almost pet it's fur as her mind drifted.

Sitting there feeling the loneliness lost neediness creeping up on her, the door opened and Vil walked in with a smile on his face. Instantly, the smile fell and he saw the state Keri was in. He hurried over to her and sat beside her... placing his hand on upon her leg.

*Vil* "Keri, what happened?? Talk to me... tell me."

*Keri* "Oh Vil, *she looks at him then hangs her head* I went to the doctor today and... well... he, he uh... gave me some unexpected news."

*Vil* "Sweetheart, just tell me. Please, I can't help you until I know what's wrong."

*Keri* *she rubs his hand lightly as crocodile sized tears slowly run down her cheeks* please don't leave me Vil... please. I'm going to need you."

*Vil* "Leave you!?!?!? Keri, I love you too much to ever leave you... especially when you need me. Just tell me..."

*Keri* "It's me not the baby. It's me. Vil, I have lukemia... I do. The blood test proved it."

Ville looked lost, hurt, and confused. His stomach was tied in knots. After waiting for so long to be with his love, he couldn't lose her, not now.

*Vil* "Can't they do something... I mean there is a cure right?"

*Keri* "Yes, they can treat the lukemia with kemotherapy but I have to give up the baby if I chose to have them now. The doctor thinks that the cancer may take us both if I wait, but it is our decision."

*Vil* "Well then you are having the treatments. That's all there is to it. You have to. You can't just sit back, wither away and do nothing."

*Keri* "No!! Vil, I have made mistakes in life. Our sweet little baby hasn't. I may not make it either way... and if I have to chose life for me or for my child. I chose the baby. That's what being a mother is all about... sacrifice."

Vil wraps his arms tightly around her waist and lays his head on her pregnant belly. He didn't know how he would bare losing his wife that he had fought so hard to be with or the baby that was created from their love of eachother. He sobbed uncontrollably as she stroked his hair and weeped softly herself.

Ville mutters under the sniffles... "I can't lose you. You are my angel... the one that was sent here to rescue me from myself."

*Keri* "Shhh... hush now my sweet. I'm here now... I'm here now..."

Once again she found herself singing that old song to ease the pain.

"Day is done...

Gone the sun..."

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 50

poisonbamagirl — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 01:40:39 +0000

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 50

From The Darkness Shines A Light

Chapter 50

All seemed to be perfect in the land of rock and love these days... but everything as you know is not always what it seems. Lisa had indeed given birth to Reese (the cutest chubby little baby boy) which unfortunately suffered from caulic, keeping his mommy and daddy up all day and night. Amanda and Linde were happy with eachother, however, they were running into many deadends with their wedding plans. Mary and Dunn were having major relationship problems since Bam's departure back to the states... seems Dunn was suffuring from seperation anxiety (didn't know that was possible between grown men but apparently it is). Leni and Burton were doing great... they had decided to start trying to conceive. Keri and Ville had bought a new home with extra room for their growing family and had started decorating the nursery. They decide not to find out what the baby was. They would wait and let it be a surprise for them both... making the birth even more special and memorable.

Keri had been feeling very sluggish the past few weeks. She had tried resting more. Ville pampered her alot during the pregnancy. He said that it was his way of sharing in the experience. After complaining to the doctor a series of test were performed.

Today was Keri's regularly scheduled prenatal exam, but the test results were in. Keri sat in the exam room rubbing her hands tightly together and swinging her feet in anticipation. With a soft tap the doctor entered the room.

*doctor* "Mrs. Valo, I'm afraid that we discovered a problem."

He walked over to a chair and picked it up. He placed the chair in front of Keri.

*doctor* "We ran a series of blood tests and when the results were in... I had them run again."

He places his hand upon hers. Her heart begins to sink. All she could do was worry about the baby she was carrying. She knew that she wouldn't be able to handle it if she lost this one too. As she began to feel every breath pierce her chest tears filled her eyes.

*doctor* " I know that you have been through so much and I hate being the one to tell you this."

*Keri* "my baby??"

*doctor* "No hunny, not the baby this time. I honestly wish it were that simple this, I'm afraid effects both of you... everyone really. Keri, sweetheart I'm sorry but you have lukemia."

She felt her life along with all of her dreams fall from under her. Why was this happening to her?? She knew not to let her guard down... she had known not to believe in love and happiness. She covered her red tear soaked face and fought for air. The doctor stood and rubbed her back telling her to calm down.

*Keri* *regaining composure enough to speak* *rubbing her belly* "What about the baby?!?!?"

*doctor* "Well that's where the difficult part comes in. The type of lukemia you have can be treated with kemo... but that means Keri that you will have to give up the baby."

*Keri* "Can't I wait until after the baby is born to start the treatment??"

*doctor* "It is a possibility, depending on how fast the lukemia takes over. I am afraid that if you wait it will take you and your baby."

*Keri* "I... I... I need Vil. I just need to talk to him. He will know what to do. He always helps me. He always makes it better."

*doctor* "Yes, of course, go home and discuss things with your husband. We will go from there, but I'm afraid that nothing will just make things better this time. We will do everything in our power to help you though."

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 49

poisonbamagirl — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 01:05:44 +0000

The song selected for this chapter is "Everything" by Alanis Morisette

From The Darkness Shines A Light

Chapter 49

Keri and Ville's day had arrived... everything was perfect. They were getting married in an old stone castle. Keri was very excited. Her dreams were finally really coming true. She wore a white gown trimmed in red with red buttons trailing the length of the train. A cascading bouquet of red and white roses were placed in her hands. In her hair she wore a simple tiara for she truely felt like a princess with Vil. The groomsmen were dressed in black suits with red ties... while the bridesmaids were dressed in long red strapless satin crinkled skirted gowns.

As Keri entered the room and began walking gracefully down the aisle, Ville's face seemed to light up and tears formed in his eyes. He took her hand in his as she approached the front.

Keri looked into Ville's eyes and recited the vows that she had written"

                                                         In sickness and in health
                                                            Till death do us part
                                                      Words have not been written
                                                       For what's deep in my heart

                                                       To love, honor, and cherish
                                                          Every moment we share
                                                     To know love and understand
                                                       That nothing could compare

                                                    To share our hopes and dreams
                                                          Our destinies combined
                                                    To share a love so real and true
                                                         That nothing could divide

                                                            From now until forever
                                                       I give you my heart and soul
                                                    And no matter what may come
                                                           I will never let you go

As Ville looked into Keri's eyes and recited his vows to her his emense love was obvious...

                                                These vows to you I solemnly swear
                                      through sickness and health I will always be there
                                        For better or for worse or whenever you are weak
                                  I will make you smile and wipe the tears from your cheek
                                   I will be your strength, nothing will ever cause you harm
                                          Forever... I will protect you close in my arms
                                        For richer or for poorer no mountain is too steep
                                      we will make it through because our love is so deep
                                         I will cherish every moment as time passes by
                                                  for eternity my love will never die
                                            These vows to you I do solemnly swear
                                       I will love and defend you as our lives we share
                                                 I will always be faithful, honest and true
                                                     I make this commitment to you
                                                I will believe in you and all that you say
                                              and stand by your side every step of the way
                                               This is my pledge that I will forever be true
                                                 so give me honor to always love you
                                         I will protect our love...you have my undying heart
                                         and I will give you my all until death do us part

The minister looks and Ville and asks... "Son, do you have the rings."

Ville reaches back and gets them from Linde.

*minister* "Keri... place the ring upon Ville's finger and repeat after me...

I, Keri, take you Ville as my husband to love, honor, and cherish for all time,"

*Keri* "I, Keri, take you Ville as my husband to love, honor, and cherish for all time."

*minister* "Now Ville place the ring upon Keri's finger and repeat after me....

"I, Ville, take you Keri as my wife to love, honor, and cherish for all time."

*Ville* "I, Ville, take you Keri as my wife to love, honor, and cherish for all time."

*minister* "Ok Ville now you may kiss your wife."

They share a tearful kiss as the minister calls out...

"Mr. and Mrs. Ville Hermanni Valo."

Atlanta Him Meet and Greet and new Venus Doom tour dates

poisonbamagirl — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 01:45:06 +0000

Please help us bring HIM back for another meet and greet this November!

Please sign our petition by clicking on the link below:

http://www.petitiononline.com/him4ga/petition.html

This is the REAL deal. A very good friend of ours has direct contact with HIM's manager and will personally see to it that it gets to Seppo and the band.

MIge, Linde, Burton and Gas were so touched by the turn out at our last meet and greet. Let's make sure we make this one the very best ever!!!!

Spread the Doom teamers! Please tell ALL your friends and REPOST!!!!

Worship HIM forever and always,

The Official GA HIM Street Team.

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 48

poisonbamagirl — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 00:01:48 +0000

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 48

From The Darkness Shines A Light

Chapter 48

Vil and Keri had been very happy since the engagement. They had also done their share of love making over the months and she was exactly a month and a half late. She scheduled an appointment with the doctor to see if the miracle she had dreamed of was coming true. When she arrived... after a short wait in the lobby she was called back to the lab for blood work and sent to wait in a room. While waiting she began getting nervous... jittery. What if she wasn't pregnant... what if she could never get pregnant again?? What if she was and she lost it again. Losing another child no matter how happy she was with Ville would push her over the edge. She had to calm down and think possitively. It would be ok... she would be fine,,, nomatter what they told her. With a soft knock on the door, the doctor enters the room with a smile and her chart in his hand. He looks down reading the results from the blood work.

*doctor* "Well let's see here... uh huh... uh huh ... uh huh *he went down the page reading to himself* well Ms. Cannon, looks like you are going to be a mommy afterall."

*Keri* "Really... really?!?!?! Ahhh!! Sorry I am just so ... so gahh HAPPY!!"

*doctor laughing* "Yes yes I know honey. The nurse will come in and weigh you and set you up for your next appointment. *walking out of the room he turns back around* Oh and congratulations."

*Keri* *grinning wildly* "Thank you, thank you." *clapping her hands twice and wrinkling her nose*

She returned to the apartment after the appointment and put a soiled look on her face knowing that Ville was anxiously awaiting the news. She walked in and closed the door... Vil was sitting in a chair in the living room reading a book. He lays the book face down in his lap... and looks up at her.

*Ville* "Well??"

She looked at him forcing a frown.

*Ville* "Oh sweetheart, it's ok. It will..."

A smile forms across her face and her eyes begin to dance... as she laughs

*Keri* "It was positive the blood test was positive... we're pregnant... we are we're pregnant!!"

He looks at her in amazement and leaps from his chair and sweeps her up twirling her in circles.

Her smile fades fairly quickly.

*Ville* "what what is it sweetheart what's wrong?!?"

*Keri* "Put me down Vil ... put me down quick"

He sits her down and she takes off running to the bathroom

*Keri* "I think I think I'm *holding her stomach* going to blaaooohhhkkk *pukes*"

*Vil* "And it starts... behold, the beauty of motherhood."

He goes into the bathroom, holds her hair behind her and rubs her back.

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 47

poisonbamagirl — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 23:57:48 +0000

The song selected for this chapter is "Yellow" by Coldplay

From The Darkness Shines A Light

Chapter 47

A few months had passed and Keri had moved on with her life without Bam. Things were so wonderful ... her life was so wonderful with Vil as well as the lives of her friends. They saw everyone on a regular basis. Ville had told Jonna that he did care for her however his heart belonged to another. Leni and Burton had tied the knot by this time... Linde had finally gotten the nerve and purposed to Amanda in the most romantic love letter ever written. Lisa and Mige... well, they were expecting. Life for the first time was peaceful and joyous.

Ville had a surprise planned for Keri on this particular night. See, Keri never went to her prom and had always wished that she had that experience. She talked about it one night intimately with Vil and he wanted to make her happy... make all of her dreams comes true. He took her out to a pier that stretched far out into the water. White lights were strung from the wooden posts along the sides and there was a candle lit dinner for two at a table on the end of the pier. Music played over speakers connected on the posts overhead. He lead her by the hand blind folded. When he removed it, Keri smiled from ear to ear nearly crying tears of joy. On the table was a printed card placed against a bottle of wine. She picked it up to see what was written upon it... it read "Welcome to your prom my dear... the first of many dreams I hope to make come true for you." Giggling from excitement she jumped on him, hugging him tightly... he could help but chuckle sightly at her enthusiasm. A slow song began to play and Vil took her hand. She took off her tall heels... dancing barefoot in the moonlight as it reflected off of the rippling water. Halfway through the song Vil stops and looks at her.

*Vil* "Sweetheart... as brightly as the stars shining in the sky above, I can see the love shining in your eyes for me. I dont ever want that light to burn out. I can't imagine my life without you. For you I would sacrifice all I have. I feel you in every breath I take and in every fiber of my being. You are a part of me and I want you with me always... *pulling a small velvet covered box from his jacket pocket* will you be my wife?"

Keri now weeping large steady tears "YES!!! Oh yes Vil!! I will I will... of course I will!!" She grabs him hugging him tightly as he picks up and spins her around... they both begin to laugh. Keri then places her hands on each side of his face and kisses him over and over again.

poisonbamagirl: Blog

My Daddy Passed Away Today

Does Anyone Know How I Feel?!?

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 62

*From The Darkness Shines A Light* *Chapter 62* The Finale

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 61

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 60

*From The Darkness Shines A Light *Chapter 60*

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 59

*From The Darkness Shines A Light* *Chapter 59*

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 58

*From The Darkness Shines A Light* *Chapter 58*

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 57

The song selected for this chapter by Lisa is "Slipped Away" by Avril Lavigne The Darkness Shines A Light

From The Darkness Shines A light Chapter 56

*From The Darkness Shines A Light* *Chapter 56*

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 55

From The Darkness Shines A Light *Chapter 55*

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 54

*From The Darkness Shines A Light *Chapter 54*

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 53

From The Darkness Shines A Light *Chapter 53*

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 52

From The Darkness Shines A Light *Chapter 52*

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 51

The song selected for this chapter is "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 50

From The Darkness Shines A Light *Chapter 50*

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 49

Atlanta Him Meet and Greet and new Venus Doom tour dates

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 48

From The Darkness Shines A Light *Chapter 48*

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 47

From The Darkness Shines A Light
Chapter 62

The Finale

From The Darkness Shines A Light
Chapter 60*

From The Darkness Shines A Light
Chapter 59

From The Darkness Shines A Light
Chapter 58

The song selected for this chapter by Lisa is "Slipped Away" by Avril Lavigne

The Darkness Shines A Light

From The Darkness Shines A Light
Chapter 56

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 55

From The Darkness Shines A Light
Chapter 54*

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 53

From The Darkness Shines A Light
Chapter 52

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 50

From The Darkness Shines A Light Chapter 48