shawna: Blog

Leaving

shawna — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 22:26:05 +0000

Is there ever a reason to leave yourself behind?

Finding hatred in your soul to fuel fire to others pain?

Is it necessary to live life, wishing to be dead?

I can't find you in all of your mess.

I see you but can't help you, your pulling yourself away with the help of your fear.

Leading a life controlled by others opinons.

You are better than that, open up those beautiful eyes and wipe the tears from your heart.

Every cold step out that door only digs a grave to lonlines I thought you understood.

Following a trend, losing your path, blaming others, all of this easily avoided.

I guess it's the winter, it makes you laugh a little slower.

Videos 10-03-08

shawna — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 15:38:47 +0000

Rivers and Tides

shawna — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 20:00:09 +0000

i've always been a documentary junkie when it comes to art and music... for some reason i remembered this particularly moving documentary i saw a couple years ago in an art class i took with tom dowling-... but regardless... It's about andy goldsworthy, an artist who uses different natural media to produce the most incredible works that bring a closeness with the earth- if anyone comes across this, and has access to rent this, you wont be sorry. the art this man can make with his hands is just breathtaking... anyway. i'm including the trailer and a video set to a cocorosie song down here below. take the time. be cool. it's worth it. watch.

Some natures catch no plagues

shawna — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 19:49:42 +0000

ugh. i'm depressed today. not trying to wallow in self misery, but i deserve a day. today is the day... this is terra's song...

smiled that kind of icy blue smile of a noonday reckoning, the tied together two of tell-tale pictures i've sketched in sand castle plots and plans. similar starting points, both for sin and shooting blanks. but

it's always the unseen sharp pain; the awkward rhythm of the dance like a tick-tock clock in that heart of hearts repeating, "there is no happy here, there is no happy here..." devil may care touches trickled down spine, thigh, and breast may never truly illuminate the finer art of heartwork.

i was turning over with the sheets, and facing the arched back thinking of how my eyes, half-opened, caught her arm moving from side to side, but never to me. it's all connected by blank words to tell empty promises of clumsy miscommunication. so we say what we will, to see what we may, to find a Biblical knowing enfolded within the next few hours. it's too bad, too tragic... i spent myself choking on the motions leading up to said misfortune.

...

shawna — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 19:45:04 +0000

goodbye you suckers and steady bad luckers
we're off to the land of club soda unbridled
we're off to the land of hot middle-aged women
off to the land whose blood runneth orange

Every step that we take is another mistake

shawna — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 14:07:07 +0000

Darling this song is not a love song
It is a plea to end all wrongs
This war of words taxes my heart
A loss for concern is tearing us apart.

End this sherade enough is enough
It's another thing I've grown to hate

You're driving me insane
But now its over

Holding on to past love has died
I can't stand to look you in the eye
I will explain in due time
We are through it's time to watch you go
In all hopes that you will grow

Dice

shawna — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 13:42:31 +0000

We walked along the beach,
holding hands speaking peace.
Saying I love you for the last time,
admitting we would be ok oneday.

Years flew by one love after another
with one thing keeping me going,
YOU
When you laughed at my singing,
I laughed at your cooking
Throwing parties with our friends
but never leaving our room

Remembering how it felt to be loved
for no reason other than being me.
you would pick me up and carry me to the car
in the rain and stop half way just to get
us soaking wet and then laugh.

So many things to say all of them came out
in one last kiss.

All of these beautiful days keep my mind
alive, your kiss burnt into my lips
your finger tips etched into my skin

I won't replace you, my heart misses you
but my lips still say goodbye and I love you....

Lyrics for a very special friend

shawna — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 17:24:18 +0000

As we stand here together with thoughts running unspoken,
Hold me close never letting this love become broken

Remembering what broght us here Ive never been more sure
of anything in my life, your the voice I want to hear say i love you

Take me home, home to stay with you in my soul in my heart in my head
Hold my hand as we ly and dream, together in bed.

Wake me up before you go,
tell me you will come home.

Now hands in my hair kiss me forever this way
It is time to start to walking away.... together

Youve chosen me, Ive chosen you, a choice is just an agreement
Our agreement was in our heart and was never really a choice to make

I knew it was you, you knew it was me
Now lets start to live.

together forever , i love you

Strings

shawna — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 17:02:43 +0000

With fear you left me, to watch me bleed.
When you have what you want but not what you need. Is it enough to get by. enough to keep you from me.

I watch you try and watch you fall. I am here to catch you,always here when you call, to put your fears to rest and pull your strings from my chest.

I am a part of everything you do, and everything you do is a part of me. Here I am and here I will stay never to stray I will hold your hand and watch you drift away.

A bad dream you are, the kind to always leave and always return. I can't get away from you we were meant to be.

Letter to my love...

shawna — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 15:17:08 +0000

Days feel like months, months pass like years and here I am waiting for you. I won't leave, even when I loose faith in you, in us, something keeps me here. It's not always perfect not always clear , but I always know I want you to come home.

I want you next to me for now for ever. Just lay next to me, never let go. I won't forget how you brush my hair from my face, kiss my skin, and tell me not to leave. Don't worry ,You have me forever. You are the one I need, the one that makes me breathe. So here i am waiting for you to come home.

Walking blind through the abyss..

shawna — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 23:32:44 +0000

A rollercoaster of emotion, you tell me your there, that I am what you want. I am the best thing that has ever happend to you, you are the best thing that has ever happend to me, we expressed this time and time agian with I love you's and kisses. I trust you and I let my guard down for the last time.
As a consiquence of my hasty decision, a crisis comes my way, and you are gone. All of the sudden the security, the passion, wasted. Everything you had promised me was a lie. With one hard blow you admit me as a mistake. You tell me you can't handle something disappointing in my life even knowing I had been there for you through the worst. I am left walking blind through the abyss.
Where did I go wrong, was it letting you back in? How could I be so foolish? Now left to pick up the pieces for the last time. One last move, one last goodbye, one last mistake for you to see.

The Natural...

shawna — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 22:56:00 +0000

You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen.

Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people.

You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find!

People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast.

~13 GODDESS DREAMS AND A FETISH IN WONDERLAND~

shawna — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 01:21:23 +0000

Feminine energy and dreams…Powerful things- Today we celebrate the feminine power which surrounds us everyday-especially at this time of year! It's the divine feminine energy and beauty which flows all around us which often keeps us on our way to our dreams. The beauty from my heart, and the experiences which I have chosen to grow from send me on my way as I learn from other strong women. I see life differently than most, I know, and I believe that my dreams are meant to, and will come true. Our lives reflect our inner state of awakening. Being open and nonjudgemental, I have learned, will only help us achieve our dreams… We are the only ones who can change our reality, attitude, happiness, and make our dreams come true. When you choose to stop loving and dreaming, your heart begins to die. We must keep believing in ourselves! I celebrate in honor of other women today, so we can come together to feel cleansed, integrated and free. Together we can find peace, joy and satisfaction, by being aware of our truths, and by being more open to life's gifts. Let our wings fly and carry us to higher realms-Cheers my goddesses!!

TECHNI-COLORED, RETRO-NOIR CRIME DRAMA OF SCANDALOUS SEX ...

shawna — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 01:18:13 +0000

One

King strutted toward me like a force of nature. The hazy purple lights of the backstage corridor bounced off his pointy, shiny face.

"Carmen, you're up in five, and your back is too far zipped and you are wearing too much." He waved his hand across his lips so furiously that one of his twenty or thirty purple bangles flew across his tiny hand and landed somewhere behind me.

Kingston Macafee was the director of the Marquis Extravaganza fashion and diamond expose, not to be confused with a runway show, which my agent insisted "would have failed to diversify my portfolio."

The first time I saw King, he was inching his black suburban into a tight parking spot on some Chicago street, and as I sat at a nearby bus stop and watched, I flashed my middle finger at him, laughing at such a small man in such an obnoxious vehicle.

He wasted no time with introductions when he finally finished parking his car. The speck of a man waved his frail hips from side to side as he approached me with surprising presence. His black pants hung low on his bony torso, exposing a sliver of skin under a tight yellow t-shirt that read, "Delicious" in black glitter letters. The man's body hovered like a ghost above a pair of masochistically narrow shoes with frighteningly high heals. His dark eyes failed to deviate from my gaze, and his attempt to regain power made me laugh again.

"You," He shouted when he was six or eight feet away. "Come with me."

Eight months later, as I stood backstage at the "extravaganza," King was furiously rubbing the bottom half of my face with a pink rag from his pocket that smelled a little like vinegar. My body rocked backward momentarily, and he placed a sturdy hand behind my head. "You have got to keep the blow under control, Carmen. Open your eyes. More. Thank God for you that you are one of Stephen's girls or we would have to discuss." He waved he free hand in the air above his head as if to explain the gravity of "discuss."

The background music and loudspeaker's ability to sever bones and the lights so vibrant they blocked out all thought, reason, and peripheral sight, dizzied some of the models. I lived for it. I secretly thought this scenario might be a little preview of the entrance of heaven, minus the odors of sweat and floor resin masked by an array of pretentious designer perfumes. I watched for King's boney sack of a fist to pound into the designated signal wall, and I stepped out onto the stage from my platform. Breathe. Open your eyes, Carmen.

"Open your eyes," Chloe, my leggy brunette roommate since joining the agency, was straddling me as I lay, hazy, but happy, on our brown suede couch. I touched her thigh, bare beneath her black cotton shorts. Her skin was smooth, and it made me want to feel it. I smiled, or so I think I did, but my eyes felt too heavy to appease her request. She leapt up off of me, and I regretted touching her and missed the weight of her ass on my torso. I could hear a crowd of people, models, agents, friends, roommates, dealers by other labels, make-up artists, young ugly people clinging to the model's skirt tails, surrounding me. There was an anxious buzz about their voices. They were worried, a certainty with the ebb and flow of a unified shill and whisper, but I wasn't sure what they were worried about.

I finally opened my eyes and felt a cool dampness around my lower body. I was naked from the waste down, and on the suede couch. Fear did not occur to me immediately. Instead, I felt warm and happy. The show the night before had been a horrifyingly romantic blockbuster, and I was the lead role, the beautiful center of the universe. It had shaken my hunger to live and satiated my suspicions that I might in fact be someone.

I entered the small studio apartment, dark and silent, and felt immediately as if someone had buried me alive. "Surprise!" Faces and voices crept out of the walls and someone turned on the light. I scanned the insignificant people and saw Chloe leaning her skeleton body against the refrigerator and peering up at me over the rim of a martini. Air crept into my coffin finally. I was the attraction for the night, the star, and the captivating socialite in a crowd of so-so models and wanna-be sidekicks.

Stephen pulled out the mirror from under the coffee table, and in one terrifyingly powerful maneuver, he removed all of Chloe's delicately posed naughty porcelain figurines and all of my Kamasutra paperbacks on display on the living room table. My hand was shaking with the first site of the white powder. I sucked it into my being, receiving every surge of warmth through my veins with selfish abandon. The thunder of the drug wrapped around my eardrums and gently strangled by optic nerves until all the insignificant voices and faces of all the insignificant people slowly vanished, one at a time, and then all together. There was only me. I shook with joy, my muscles relaxed and tightened, and my head tickled with dizzy relief. Cocaine would allow me to cum over and over, anywhere and with whomever I pleased, and in return, I would cut it with a knife and not give it a second look.

I could remember every word I heard, every premeditated motor manipulation, and every true intention of the world for hours after I snorted, but I could never remember the sources of the input. I just knew stimulation and cared less from where or who it was received.

Two

Mystery. Are you ready to reveal yourself or to uncover the truth? Exploration. Are you looking for recognition of desires or wants? I soon discovered there is no ache, no intensity, quite so exquisite as the pain associated with longing, the yearning for that which has been lost. Human sexuality with all it's wicked twists and yet so beautiful, made it the art it truly is. The muse of tragedy lurking in the dark corners of my mind were ready to explore. It was a dark, deeply intimate glimpse of reality for me, intense moments of ecstasy. This journey through sexual darkness was my own. No moments are more real than this, in pain or ecstasy. A rush of emotion grew over me, as I felt I would never be quite the same again. To give in to these temptations of joy, we wager with death, a piece of our soul. Pure fantasy, it is dark and intense..............

La vita è breve

shawna — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 02:27:08 +0000

     For those of you that don't know what La vita è breve means, well it's simple it means "life is to short." For those of you that are avid blog readers you may stumble upon a couple of blogs written about " my personal life." The truth of the matter is the person writing these knows nothing about me. Actually to tell you the truth has never even met me. Hahahahah I know silly right. Why would a person write about someone they knew nothing about. Well the truth is that can happen for lots of reasons none of which bother me enough to explain but just as examples, jealousy, and mental unstability are 2 prime examples.

     I am simply writing this email to tell all of my true friends and others who have been a victim of slanderous games that well simply "La vita è breve" LIfe is to short, so just keep pressing forward hat in hand. Moving through the bullshit with your nose in the air and say it just simply isn't worth it. There are so many other people, so many other things to focus on that pety worthless games are just simply not important.

     I can tell you it is quite hilarious and borderline flattering to watch people so obsessed with your life that they spend more time worrying about you than they do themselves, it's almost like having a stalker and we all know how fun that is! Honestly I will never claim to be this perfect soul that has never done or said something inappropriate or ignorant but I will say it's been a while and I'm only 21.

     O.k. so now that I have gone to the only extreme I feel necessary to clear my good name, if there is anyone who just enjoys a good fabricated blog about other peoples personal life written by the emotionally insecure please by all means believe what you read on others blogs as much as you would the tabloids after all it's all the same highschool gossip right? However for those of you that care to read and respond to more constructive insights such as current events, historical outbreaks or just some sort of opinion on life, then please write a blog and let me know so that I can read it and I will continue to write blogs that are worth reading.

     Also I just want to give a big thank you to all of you that have complimented my writing and have been encouraging to my outlet.

     ciao

Screams

shawna — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 18:58:04 +0000

    Sitting on the bathroom floor of a subway station at night with the door locked, she has nowhere to go. No where to hide her pain, she gives up. She screams, with tears down her face, her hands in fists, waiting for someone to come and save her. She has spent all of her life saving others and has only recieved scars and regret. With screams that could leave your heart paralized. She knows the masses can hear her so she screams louder because she knows they won't stop. Although alone to the public eye infact she is not alone at all.

    She has been through more than most care to hear. She has pressed on and let others problems which can't compare become her own aswell. Taking on others fears and heartache and carrying it for them. She has been the life of some and the stepping stone to many. Never with motive only with love and compassion.

     She has been depleted for the final time. All for nothing. A simple love, a simple friend, has left her here in this bathroom alone. With nothing left to offer not love, not sympathy, not friendship, nothing. She spins in and out of reality hoping to wake up to some other story. Unfortunatly she won't. However as life has it's way with her, she will continue on day after day and because of this pain, this torture, she will overcome more in a single lifetime than most will ever realize and at that time, her loss, her gain, her restless nights alone on the floor will be finally become recognized. Sadly just a moment to late.

Another soul lost, another story made.

Listening to Gotham....

shawna — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 16:28:17 +0000

-And as a breeze or an echo rebounds from the smooth rocks and returns whence it came, so does the stream of beauty, passing through the eyes which are the windows of the soul, come back to the beautiful one; there arriving and quickening the passages of the wings, watering. them and inclining them to grow, and filling the soul of the beloved also with love. And thus he loves, but he knows not what; he does not understand and cannot explain his own state; he appears to have caught the infection of blindness from another; the lover is his mirror in whom he is beholding himself, but he is not aware of this. When he is with the lover, both cease from their pain, but when he is away then he longs as he is longed for, and has love's image, love for love

209

shawna — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 15:19:38 +0000

I wiped away the tears from my cheek in the bed where you lay once before. You left and I found I've never felt this way before. Everything I do reminds me of you. It's been years now and still I dream about us. Our touch, our tears, our midnight kisses. Your in my soul every breathing moment of everyday. The way you kissed my lips the way you told me when we find our way back to eachother that would be it, that we had broken the mold., the way your hands fit so well with mine, your body so warm on top of mine. Your fingers laced my skin for hours as we dreamt together or just laid in silence. I miss everything about you! I will dream of you tonight and the next wishing for that day to come when I am walking through the streets at night and just as I am crossing the street we meet up and nothing has changed our love still the same only burning so much brighter. You kiss me with out hesitance and we fade away into eachothers arms. THe streets are bare the lights stop flickering all of the sounds are soo distant all I see is you and all I hear is your heart beating as fast as mine.

"Where are we going?"

shawna — Sat, 29 Sep 2007 16:39:31 +0000

Once again I find myself swimming through the obligatory mass trying to avoid them all. The chaos is astonishingly eminent here.

"Where are we going?" you ask me.

I pause and ponder this question for a moment. As we stand still the movement of the world intensifies. We are their obstacle.

I notice you catch the eye of a stranger. You hold her gaze with conviction.

I wonder where her life has lead her and where she is going. Does she wonder the same about us?

You reach for my arm while repeating the question. This time I sense a hint of anxiety hidden behind your smile.

With no specific destination in mind I shrug my shoulders and we continue walking. We bleed into the crowd once again. We are forgotten.

Modern Romanticism.

shawna — Sat, 29 Sep 2007 16:30:06 +0000

As I sit here laughing with this frown upon my face I realize even the most tragic of stories seem funny staring through a dense window of delusion, frustration, and irony.

Im your modern hopeless romantic.

Im your unfortunate undisclosed apparition of being that attempts to feed you the bliss that you dont feel you deserve. I am someone you would love to love...

I have the most unique ability of adaptation. I can and will compromise. I can give you what you need, when you need it. Im the type who will give you what you derserve.

Ill treat you and only you as my only one. You can talk to me about your problems, your life, your thoughts, your beliefs. You can tell me things about yourself. Tell me, I want to know. You can hold my hand, you can kiss me in public, you can embarrass me, you can laugh out loud, you can tease me, you can slap my ass, I want you to be yourself when your around me. Help me to understand you. Go ahead, pull my hair, you can argue with me just for fun, you can tickle me, you can ask me what Im thinking, you can sing your heart out to your favorite song just for me, you can have me all to yourself, you can look at me deeply through my eyes, see my thoughts, or wonder what Im thinking. Just know Im real. You can whisper to me about all the love that you feel, and in return for all of those beautiful things that you do, you will recieve everything that I have to give.

You could understand me if you tried, you could understand me if you took another look into these heartfelt eyes...

If I have not given myself to you completly, you have not known realpassion. It will come naturally. I give this and an unspeakable amount more. The desire to understand is my nature. This is who I am. Take me for what Im worth, take me for who I am, take me and take what I give, but above all take me now. Dont take me later I wont be around.

DIfference equals confusion: (rant)

shawna — Sat, 29 Sep 2007 16:19:59 +0000

I dont know what im searching for. Everything seems so pointless somedays. Bad things happen too often. But i know its how we deal with the bad that makes us who we are. If anyone must know, I write to cope. I hate to see myself like this. I hate who I am. I hate those around me. i hate those not around me. I wonder why anger is surfacing. Could it be because I simply find life unfair? Or do I just feel ugly... I dont exactly know, but lately I dont understand people, and it seems to be making me understand myself less and less. Im put in the world black and white confused by those with the oddest colors. I have a hard time understanding "why youre doing that". Because your human. A person who I could not possibly ever understand. You give me every reason to smile, and then take away all my happiness without warning. I hate you for that. Although at times I simply observe your behavior and often smile in admiratiton at our differences. However my deepest questions have been trivial but there are so many. Expressed in as vauge of form as possible:

Why did you let me?
Am I special?
Am I too odd?
What do I want?
I want to love again.
It will go away soon.
Why dont you understand me?
I KNOW you dont care about me.
How could you?
What should I do?
What are you really thinking?
What are you really planning?
Why are you leaving!?

My stupid questions will still go unanswered. But writing clears my mind a little. I know this is all so trivial so dont mind this stupid rant. But ya know... I too am just a stupid human like you.

Forgiving is giving hate a little more room in your heart.

shawna — Sat, 29 Sep 2007 16:12:17 +0000

I cry these broken tears. I lose my soul a little every day. My brightness falls dim, my sun doesnt shine so bright. Its harder to wake up its hard to even care. Music becomes more powerful and I listen to it all the time. Ah yes, I must be broken hearted again I remember this feeling well. My thoughts are scattered, its hard to focus. I am lost in a world Ive explored many times before. In love all battles are lost and in love the game is played unbound by rules. Yes, and I have lost again, but Im not the only one...

I laugh at the thought of your unloyal feelings, even as your saying them.
I start to question if my love goes so deep. As deep as our wild claims would suggest. As deep as "Someday we will-" and "You are my-". Deeper than "We will always-" and "I will-", "-Forever". As deep as "You will always be my" and "I **** you". "Sadly who can stand by such outrageous fantasies? Who could really truly mean the things their own mind fabricates due to something like chemical inbalences? Do we just start saying things just to say them? We blatenly lie to each others faces every single day. I know this in the back of my mind but somethings wrong with me. I love the times in between the heartache.

I often compare love to this never ending battle...
As though poor lost lovers go in asking to be hurt. As though the second you kiss you can already feel that emptiness inside. No, not then... your in love. Sooner or later though... Chances are its coming. And when it hits its like you were already holding in a place for that time to burst into tears. But love is blind love is bliss love is ignorant. And when those tears are finally released and they fall hopelessly to the ground it almost seems they never meant a damn thing. It seems it was all for nothing. Its hard to realize it going through the hurt, but the meaning is in itself.

Im happy I met you. I loved you for that time. We were happy together. The memories we shared will forever be ours and nobody elses. Thank you for everything I will never forget you...

Seasons

shawna — Sat, 29 Sep 2007 00:12:04 +0000

Summer air reminds me of
All the feelings of your love
And what it was like
When we were together
Walking all along the beach
You were never far from my reach
And you held me
Through the stormy weather
And I wanna fall in love
Tonight
And I remember when you said
Everything's gonna be alright
Laying in the summer grass
You told me not to talk so fast
As I told you
How I feel
You made me feel right at home
You told me I was not alone
And you knew
Just how I feel
I know we talked about it
I just can't get around
I just want one more night with you
I wanna fall in love
Tonight
And I remember when you said
Everything's gonna be alright
October air reminds me of
All the seasons of your love
And what it was like
When we were together
The smell of fall is everywhere
And though it seems I just don't care
'Cause now you've gone away
I wanna fall in love
Tonight
And I remember when you said
Everything's gonna be alright
Alright
I wanna fall in love
I wanna fall in love
Tonight

Entry for MIKE BORGIA lyrics. Let's see what you think???

shawna — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 18:12:08 +0000

Years go by and you still feel numb to core. You're still not the same, your hands still shake as you remember every self inflicted mistake. For the price you pay now is higher than you estimated. Asyou sit in a corner watching your life fall apart, you try to forget where reality really is. You lost all control you silly little girl and now where have you to start. You pick up your hands that lay lifeless on the floor and hope this one last dose of your self medication, is all you need to close that door, to your pain, your fears, your numb feeling of consciencens, your tears. Then you please your painful thoughts with hope, and fall apart yet again. Why silly girl when will you find that your medication dosn't erase time. Your problems still there growing stronger by the hour as your body discenigrates like a lifeless flower. It's no ones fault but your own your pockets are emptied for your head to be freed but when you come back to reality will this final dose have been enough to help you realize that with nothing left to give you still have alot to learn.

A thought!!

shawna — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 00:10:07 +0000

Attitude is more important than the past, than facts, education, money, circumstances, failure or success. It can make or break a family, a home, relationships. The remarkable thing is that we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past, we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is focus on our attitude. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. And so it is with you, we are in charge of our attitudes.